Recipes for Dysfunctional Families
By Charis Tarbett
Pageant Mom
28 years of calorie counting
2 years high school cheerleading captain
1 unplanned pregnancy
3 concerns over areas of competition
1 perfectionist streak
1 insistence that this is the child’s hobby
Directions:
1. Dissolve 2 years high school cheerleading captain experience in a small town. Add an unplanned pregnancy shortly after graduation. Spread calorie counting over 28 years. Worry constantly about weight and physical appearance until bitter and jaded.
2. Raise daughter to be overly concerned with body image, social acceptance, and lack of special talent; Nag often. Reduce praise to infrequently and stir in perfectionist streak.
3. Pride self on neighborhood reputation. If critiques on parenting skills are not desired, coat with an insistence that this is the child’s hobby.
See Also: Living Dolls Recipe
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Teenage Runaway
15 years of being embarrassed by family
3 years of sneaking out of the house
8 months of drug abuse
2 friends with couches to crash on
1 handful boring family anecdotes
Directions:
1. Spread embarrassment of family over 15 years. Cover with 1 handful boring family anecdotes until apathy is overwhelming.
2. Blend 8 months of drug abuse with 3 years of sneaking out of the house and increase speed as time goes on.*
3. Reduce family meetings to infrequent or never, and simmer until 2 friends offer their couches to sleep on.
*Warning: may lead to teenage pregnancy, prison time, or premature death.
Note: Latchkey children may develop apathy towards family sooner than expected. Watch closely for changes in mood or behavior and be prepared for violent outbursts.
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Overly Critical Grandmother (A seasonal favorite!)
38 years as a disgruntled housewife
5 criticisms of child rearing
4 criticisms of prepared meal
2 snide comments about gardening
3 backhanded compliments
Pinch of coarse salt
Directions:
1. Steam 38 years as a discontented housewife until 2 sons and 1 daughter* relocate to the opposite side of the country. Set hurt feelings aside until grandchildren begin to appear.
2. Bring everyone together for a holiday meal. Immediately begin to grate nerves. Blend 4 criticisms of the dinner menu with 2 snide comments about the daughter’s “thirsty” rosebush out front.**
3. Allow negative emotions to simmer through dessert, then toss in 5 criticisms of the children’s parenting skills. Remember to press petty issues where possible.
4. Let the entire family sit in uncomfortable silence for an additional ten to twenty minutes before finishing off the evening with 3 backhanded compliments.
5. Salt to taste.
*May add or substitute 1 daughter-in-law, if desired.
**Warning: May cause hysterics in daughter or daughter-in-law during holiday meal, with lingering distaste for months afterwards.
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Favorite Child
5 years of co-sleeping
9 years of heavy spoiling
3 weekly comments about how much they look / act like their parents
1 knack for talking his or her way out of trouble
5 parent-teacher conferences
2 pets that died under mysterious circumstances
Directions:
1. Press first three ingredients until all other children resent this sibling.
2. Combine the knack for talking his or her way out of trouble with 5 parent-teacher conferences. Wait until 2 family pets have died under mysterious circumstances to seriously consider the counseling services teachers have suggested since kindergarten.
3. Continue refusing to admit to yourself that the child will grow up, until well past the time when they have, then watch as they blame you for their relationship issues and problems with their own children.
Note: Calling your other children by this one’s name is required three times a week.***
Racist Grandfather
35 years in the U.S. Army
3 tours in Korea
8 medals of Honor
2 war wounds
3 generations of family
1 Hispanic boyfriend
6 inappropriate comments
3 racial slurs
Directions:
1. Fill dining room with 3 generations of family. Without warning, add granddaughter’s Hispanic boyfriend.
2. Remove all tact from conversation. Blend 35 years in the Army, 3 tours in Korea, 8 medals of Honor, and 2 war wounds into dinner conversation.
3. Roast the boyfriend with 6 inappropriate comments and 3 racial slurs, then mince words with liberal son-in-law.
4. Strain these relationships over time and wait for all positive sentiment to dissolve.
***
Crazy Great Aunt
30 years living alone
3 estranged sons
2 sentimental nieces
45 years of chain-smoking
3 boxes Sierra Club postcards
1 inability to cook a good meal
1 prosthetic foot
Directions:
1. Strain relationships with 3 estranged sons until 30 years of living alone have passed and phone calls are no longer returned.
2. Bring two sentimental nieces over twice a week to cook and clean.
3. Add 45 years of chain-smoking to poor circulation due to diabetes, then have left foot amputated.
4. Use Sierra Club postcards to guilt estranged sons about not visiting after surgery until postcards begin coming back “Return to Sender.”
5. Wait for insurance to clear before purchasing prosthetic foot.***
Deadbeat Dad
12 years of forgotten birthdays
15 bounced child support checks
1 case cheap beer drank every night since college
6 court summons for missed alimony payments
5 photographs taken with children
1 handful positive memories
1 inability to lead by example
Directions:
1. Mix 12 years of forgotten birthdays and 5 photographs taken with children. Let stand for 3 more years. Add 15 bounced child support checks to court records. Bring anger level to a boiling rage, stirring until all positive emotions have dissolved. Lower heat and let simmer.
2. Add 6 court summons for missed alimony payments and blend until phone numbers have been changed and no forwarding address is left.
3. Place 1 case cheap beer in all future mentions of paternity. Sprinkle occasionally with 1 handful positive memories, preferably from before children were born.
4. If desired, garnish with stories of his inability to lead by example.
Serves 2 to 6 children, from up to 3 different women.
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