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What’s love got to do with it?
Love relationships in the Middle East are an essential part of understanding the culture. Love in the Arab world is perceived to be defined as a woman’s complete devotion to her husband. However, after analyzing several important novels it seems that this notion is not always the case. Love is a complicated emotion for all women especially women living in the Arab world. The typical stereotype is that Muslim women are oppressed and are not allowed to have any other opinions but those of their husbands. Yet there is a vast amount of evidence from the five protagonists in the novels to suggest otherwise. The way in which the women handle themselves in their relationships is an essential part in defining their character. Unfortunately, it seems that many of the women in these five novels struggle intensely to find happiness in their relationships because of their inherent need to be submissive to their husband. On the other hand, some women are much luckier and strike the essential balance of love and trust with their partner. These novels force the readers to ask important questions about love in Middle Eastern society and how it affects themselves, their families, and the rest of the community. Is it necessary that the couple be in love? Do couples last longer if they are arranged? Does true love really exist? Is love more important than children and family? How do love and marriage differ? And most importantly, can a married woman in the Middle East be happy?
And so, when examining the role of love between man and woman, the role of the married woman will also be thoroughly examined and compared to the western world’s ideal of a married woman. While true love and marriage are ideally supposed to go hand and hand, they rarely do, but for the fortunate couples, love comes from respect and devotion to each other which is where the power and strength of the woman comes from. There are many examples of when the husband and wife truly do love each other but sometimes the husband dies or leaves which suggests that pure love isn’t supposed to last long. Love is deeply important because if the married couple is in love, then they are able to run their families better and help contribute to the Islamic society by focusing on their devotion to their religion and family and friends.
These books have depicted the notion that when a woman goes from her parent’s house to her husband’s house, she is forever subjecting herself to the subordinate role. What the main difference is in this case between the eastern woman and the western woman is that the western woman will never admit to herself or to her husband that she comes second. In this day in age, while women are emotionally the stronger sex, men are the leading role in a marriage and in love. They are expected to initiate courtship, ask for hand in marriage, and control the finances. In fact, the more carefully scrutinized, the less of a difference one is able to pinpoint between the eastern married and western married woman. While in the Middle East, marriage is a business and most typically arranged by parents, there are still many examples of the man and woman conquering problems in the household if they are working as a team verses working against each other. The customs and experiences that these couples have all begin with a system that is defined either by the villages, external pressures of the family or their own choosing. In the five books Pillars of Salt, A Woman of Five Seasons, A balcony over Fakihani, Dreams of a Trespass, and In the Eye of the Sun, there are very different examples of love between a man and a woman. The couples in the books support the message that love and marriage are difficult to maintain but necessary for a happy home and society. Each of the significant couples’ relationship will be explored and analyzed and important aspects of their relationship will be critically examined.
In the novel Pillars of Salt, there are prime examples of true love and the power of love that exists between man and woman. There are two contrasting couples in the novel; Maha and Harb who are examples are pure love and devotion to each other and Um Saad and her husband who are examples of a destructive relationship. The relationships that these women have whether positive or negative help define their character as a Middle Eastern woman. The protagonist of the novel Maha is deeply in love with Harb and knows from the first time she meets him that she wants to marry him. The way in which she carefully plans out her behavior shows her devotion to her family and to Middle Eastern culture. She is careful not to exploit the relationship and takes cautious measures to avoid the village gossiping about she and Harb. In the beginning of her very brief courtship with Harb, she works very hard at maintaining her virginal image so that Harb thinks that she is undamaged. She does not want to appear promiscuous, which would upset her father and most likely tarnish the family name. She behaves respectably according the culture codes because she wants Harb to think that she will be a good wife. Maha thinks carefully about her every move with Harb and keeps her guard up so that he will not be swayed by behavior the village would deem as unsuitable. While at first glance, Maha’s cautious actions may seem foreign to the western culture, but further analysis shows that this practice in actuality is much more secular. The notion of trying to be discreet and act virginal so that the man will think you are pure is a subconscious practice that exists in even the most modern secular realms. All women want their potential husband to think they are respectable and not promiscuous women who respect their sexuality.
When Harb and Maha meet and get married, they have a beautiful relationship that is full of devotion and graciousness towards one another. It is clear that they are deeply in love and Harb treats her as close to an equal as Bedouin society will allow. Harb’s devotion to Maha strengthens her character and she is made to become a better mother and a stronger woman because of the support that she gets from him. She is able to take care of her father and stand up to her brother to the best of her ability. The marriage was never forced between Harb and Maha which is part of why their relationship is so successful. They both were in love and wanted to get married and it was not based on strengthening ties between parents. In fact, the parents of the lovers play a small role in the novel. Harb’s aunt only makes suggestions to Maha about cooking and cleaning while Harb is away. She also anxiously awaits the day that Maha produces a child. All that is meant to be focused on is the fact that Maha's father allows her to choose her husband and Harb never treats Maha as less then his equal. Harb respects Maha so much, that even on the night of the wedding, he is unable to consummate the relationship because there is too much pressure and he is too nervous about pleasing Maha and the rest of the village. What is important in this scene is how love and marriage are separated in Pillars of Salt. The love and the passion that the two feel for each other is between them, but Maha’s virginity and purity is a matter of the entire village. Because Maha and Harb trust each other and are companions, they are able to work as a team and in their own clever way, show the village that Maha is a virgin. The picture that Faquir paints is that of a perfect marriage devoid of problems and fights. This is an unrealistic picture of marriage and love because even when couples are devoted to each other it is only human that they still fight and become angry with one another. Perhaps because there marriage is so short there is little time for fighting. Harb is also away at battle constantly which allows them to appreciate the time that they have together. They are a compatible couple emotionally and sexually and are able to fulfill each other’s needs. Maha desperately wants to please Harb by birthing him a child and becomes increasingly frustrated at the length at which it takes her to do so. The only major conflict that this couple endures is Maha’s inability to have a child for six months. When Harb dies, this shakes Maha’s core but she still goes on to raise her son and take care of her dying father. Maha and Harb’s love was short lived, but it was passionate and real and showed readers that women can be treated equally in a Middle Eastern marriage in Bedouin culture.
Um Saad’s love life is very different from Maha’s. Her husband treated her like an animal and had no respect for her whatsoever. Um Sa’ad’s relationship with her husband was the antithesis of Maha and Harb’s relationship. Her husband did not respect her or treat her like a human being. Um Saad begins to tell her story to Maha at the mental institution that they both share. At the institution, the women are able to recount the tales of love lost. The women find console in each other when telling their stories of love in the hopeless situation of the institution that they are in. To the reader’s delight, Um Saad confides to Maha that she once found love and was not permitted to marry him because her father had picked someone else. When Um Saad was to marry her husband, she was told by her father that they were going off somewhere and he took her to marry her husband. Um saad’s story is one that clearly depicts a marriage that does not equal love. What is so deeply disturbing about Um Saad’s story is that she verbally and physically abused by her husband and has no means of escape. Um Saad’s husband uses her to reproduce children and then quickly gets another a wife to replace Um Saad and he removes her from the bedroom. Even Um Saad’s children are not supportive of her and take a liking to their new mother, thus there is no one to support Um Saad but herself. Um Saad and her husband is an example of an extreme couple where there is no love and friendship whatsoever. Um Saad does not even enjoy sex and she is repeatedly raped by her husband. What readers learn about love and marriage from this couple is that in some situations men have the ability to treat their wives in any way that they desire. It is not against the law nor is he looked down upon in society. What is so devastating for women in this situation is there is no support and no where to turn to because society is on the man’s side. Perhaps the lesson learned from Um Saad’s story is that in the many other examples of couples in the novels, the women are not nearly is objectified and abused on the same level as Um Saad. Comparing Um Saad’s marriage to a Middle Eastern marriage does not provide any justice, because like all marriages regardless of the culture, there are a multitude of examples of abusive marriages. Her marriage is important to compare to Maha’s because the readers are able to see that Maha had the freedom of choice in her marriage and Um Saad did not even have the choice of freedom. Love and marriage are unfortunately easy to differentiate. When there is love in a Middle Eastern household than the woman is able to take care of her duties more smoothly and is happier and able to take care of herself and her family. The power of a woman in love who feels loved should not be underestimated. This notion is clearly demonstrated by Faquir who depicts vividly in her book that Maha is a strong and capable woman. In an ideal world what would have happened to Maha is that she would have continued to be a strong woman living in the memory of her husband, but unfortunately, since her father dies and leaves her brother to be the head of the household, Maha is not able to be so lucky and is sent away because of a violent brawl she has with her brother. In Um Saad’s world there is clearly no love from her husband or her family which results in her deep depression and mental deterioration. Perhaps what the other is trying to suggest is that women without any kind of love are not able to exist in this world without weakening their spirits and their soul. Um Saad tries with all of her power to make her husband love her and she does everything in her power to please him, but her attempts prove futile as he treats her like an animal. Um Saad’s relationship is violently unsuccessful. She never had the opportunity to pursue her true love.
In a “Woman of Five Seasons” by Leila Altrash, there are several couples worth being explored that give more insight into love and relationships in the Middle East. The way in which love factors into the relationships prove that marriage is sometimes a business arrangement without love. The central relationship in the novel is between Nadia and Ihsan. In the beginning of the novel, Nadia accepts the fact that she is a sex object to her husband and the fact that she is not an equal participant in the marriage. Ihsan’s first line in the novel is “my lovely kitten-this perfume suits you better” (1). From this line alone, it is a clear indication that Ihsan thinks of Nadia as his own kitten and he knows what is best for even about womanly items such as perfume and clothing He does not allow her to wear rose colored dresses, which is her favorite color dress in order to exert more control. Ihsan treats Nadia as if he is her pet and has very little regard for her as a human being. “Nadia he says, I want all the women in Barquais to be talking about you” (11). Here, Ihsan is referencing the fact that he wants to dress Nadia up and show her off the rest of the town so that the village is able to see what a beautiful wife he has. Their marriage is not based on love and trust but on images and superficiality. All that Ihsan cares about is what other people think about their relationship and Nadia is powerless to do anything because she is a woman and has no money or means of supporting herself on her own. She is stuck. She says “does he know where he’s pushing me? Does he even care? Hasn’t it ever struck him, just for a second that I don’t want all this-that I hate all these women’s gatherings in Barquais? But no, he always knows best” (13) Nadia’s sarcastic remark is evidence of her extreme unhappiness on her situation and her powerlessness in her marriage. She has no choice but to listen to him and do as he says. The first half of the novel is about her extreme frustration that Ihsan only sees her as a kitten that is meant to amuse him and look pretty in front of the village. It sickens her to know that her husband thinks of her as only useful for sex. Nadia and Ihsan’s marriage is superficial and there is no love or devotion to each other. They are the antithesis of Maha and Harb. Nadia is not corrupted by money and materials and anxiety of what other people think. Ihsan only wants an image of a happy home, a beautiful wife, and plenty of money. Nadia is not a good mother because there is no indication that she spends time with her children that is more than necessary. Nadia is to distraught with her marriage to focus on her children so she remains tormented in her own head. What is important about the novel and the marriage between the couple is the transformation that Nadia undergoes. She separates herself from her husband first emotionally, then financially, then again educationally, because she is already more educated than her husband. A lot can be learned about marriage in general from this couple because as hard as they struggle, in the end, Nadia supports him and they remain together.
Ihsan is corrupted by the prospect of money and becoming richer that she forgets that his wife is still a person with feelings and emotions. True love most certainly does not exist between Ihsan and Nadia. What is most frustrating for Nadia is that she does not have any other options and she feels she is not able to say what she wants because she does not want to upset her husband. In this marriage, Nadia suffers because while she is rewarded with materialistic items.
It is revealed to the readers later in the novel that Ihsan’s younger brother Jamal was in love with Nadia when they were young, but when the knowledge that Ihsan wanted to marry her became public to the family, Jamal backed off immediately, respecting his elder brother. This point in the story that devotion to your family and respect for your elders are much held in much higher regard than passion and true love. The mutual love that Jamal and Nadia once shared for each other does not matter. Ihsan is the older brother, and it is imperative that Jamal respects his elder brother in this culture. Even though Jamal respects his older brother when he chooses not to pursue Nadia, it is evident that to the present time he is frustrated with his decision. In the middle of the novel in a drunken frenzy Jamal attempts to have with Nadia, but not just out of passion and sexual attraction to her, but out of his frustration that Nadia is married to his brother yet she does not love him. It is unclear what Nadia’s perspective is on the situation with Jamal. While she does not love Ihsan, she does not want to cheat on her husband with his brother especially while Jamal is in a drunken rage.
As the novel progresses, Nadia begins to transform and take control of her life situation. She no longer wants to be treated like a kitten who is only used an object for sex. The fact that Nadia is so powerless in the beginning of her marriage, ironically toughens her up and gives her strength to stand up to her husband and demand that she is a strong woman who deserves to be treated better. If Nadia was treated well during her marriage, she may not have been able to show herself that she has the strength and courage to finally say what she believes. It is important to note that while Ihsan treats his wife as a worthless sex object, he still feels inferior to her and does not like that Nadia is so knowledgeable about art and culture. The way in which Nadia asserts her independence changes the dynamic of the marriage. Ihsan was the dominant one and Nadia was the listener. Now, when Nadia wants independence by first learning how to drive, she sends the message that Ihsan no longer has control over her.
Ihsan has an extreme inferiority complex that is destructive to his marriage. Instead of seeing Nadia as a woman and his wife that he can learn from and pick her brain, he is threatened by her intelligence. This inferiority complex is not uncommon for men in the Middle East and men in the western world. It is very easy for men to be threatened by their wives if they are more intelligent than they are or make more money. It seems that men are born with a notion that they have to be better than their wives in every respect in order to successfully exert control. That is why when Nadia takes matters into her own hands, Ihsan is powerless. The only way that he is able to control his wife is by exerting power over her, when she takes that control away from him he is lost. Even Rashid comments that “She’s never been so bent on depriving you of her nearness as she is now. She knows you desire her and she makes you suffer by refusing you. Nadia, how she’s changed, how self possessed she’s become” (82). Nadia self possession comes from refusing sex with Ihsan and doing what she pleases and what makes her happy. At first her husband did not want her to wear rose and because she didn’t want to upset him she obeyed. Now that she transforms, she always wears rose as a symbol of her independence and her ability to stand up to her husband.
Ihsan contradicts himself on several occasions in the novel when in terms of his actions about how he feels about women. He does not women to work in real estate yet he uses the woman Jessica to have her help him buy land. He also does not want Nadia to be strong and assert her independence yet he has an affair with Angela. He is attracted to her because she is strong for leaving her husband and she uses her sexuality to seduce Ihsan. Perhaps what Ihsan’s problem is, is that he enjoys women strength in women who are not his wives. He defines his wife as someone who is his doll who he can play with and dress up and make love to. Ihsan does not understand the value and the importance of marriage. Because of this he is a weak character who ultimately pushes his wife away emotionally. Because Nadia is a strong moral women she saves him and buys Rasheed’s silence of the identifying pictures that depict Ihsan’s crime, but she does this to save her own pride and not his. Ultimately, Nadia decides to go back to school to continue her education while her children are also in school. Yet, despite how poorly Ihsan treated her during the years of her marriage it is clear that she stays with him because she buys Rashid’s silence. If she did not want to be with him or care about her reputation she would not have given Rashid money and let her husband suffer. She would have divorced him and allowed him to get in trouble. But she saves her own pride because by being married to someone, your husband’s crimes are yours as well and she did not want that weight on her shoulders. Nadia felt that she should avoid being gossiped about at all costs in order to save her reputation. She stays with Ihsan because he allows her to be independent and have her own thoughts and once she is able to do that she finds happiness and peace.
Marriage for Nadia was stifling because she was not allowed to be free and exert her own independence before she demanded it from her husband. When women do not take control of their identity and let their husbands control them, it eats away at there core allowing anger and hate to consume them. If Nadia had not taken control of her marriage when she did, it she would have ended up as a sex object forever. The practice of Ihsan treating his wife as an object is not limited to the Middle East. Nadia’s suffering in her marriage made her stronger.
In A woman of five seasons there are other couples that are less explored and not as thoroughly developed as Ihsan and Nadia. Nevertheless they are worth mentioning because they add more interest to the definition of love and marriage and the Middle East between a man and a woman. It is clear from the analysis of Nadia and Ihsan that in order for a marriage to be successful, there must be an equal balance of power and control. It certainly is a positive aspect if the couple is deeply in love, but if they have a balance of power and of trust, then the marriage will be successful. The rule in the Arab world is that men are allowed to have up to four wives. Even if the husband and wife are in love, the wife is bound to feel jealous of the other wives and the balance of power is skewed. It is an unfair rule that men should be allowed to have more than one wife while women are only allowed to have one husband. This appears to be the most critical imbalance of men and women in the Arab world and if the rule were eliminated it would cause much less distress in the marriage. There is no indication whatsoever that the rule of more than one wife is beneficial to the marriage except to provide the husband with more options of who he chooses to sleep with that night. If men are allowed the privilege of choice of who to sleep with, then so should the women. Specifically, when Affaf chooses to marry another wife, his first wife is so incredibly distressed that Jalal and Ihsan are forced to intervene. They make Affaf divorce his new wife to maintain his relationship with his first wife. This episode tells us a lot not only about marriage but about relationships and the importance of the happiness of wives. It has been a pattern in the books discussed that the second wife is treated better because she is “newer” and therefore more interesting. When Um Saad’s husband takes on a new wife, she is immediately banished out of the bedroom because she has in a sense been replaced. This scenario was humiliating and damaging to the already fragile well being of Um Saad. Jamal and Ihsan are aware of the damage that another wife can bring to the dynamic of a couple, which is why they force Affaf to divorce his new wife. The rule of more than one wife is what is most different between eastern and western marriages. Polygamy in the western world is mostly illegal. It is hard enough to be married to one person let alone four. It seems that marrying more than one person is a destructive practice that should be ended immediately. In A woman of five seasons, we learn a great deal about Middle Eastern relationships and how women are treated when they are married. Nadia learns the importance of autonomy and demanding respect from your husband. The novel is empowering to women because it stresses the notion of women insisting the proper respect that they deserve as a wife and most importantly as a woman.
A Balcony over the Fakihani Liyana Badr is a novel which is comprised of three stories called a land of Rock and Thyme, A canary and the Sea and A balcony over Fakihani. It is almost trivial to discuss love and marriage in a novel that is filled with so much violence and rage. Nevertheless there are still important messages about the relationship of man and woman despite the gruesome violence. The first story begins with a woman narrating and the first glimpse of analysis we get of her character is a woman who is pregnant and in fear. She is fearful of the war and of the shelling. Then she goes on to say that “My whole life had waiting-but I hadn’t expected to marry a man who’d love me and want me wait with me, then leave me forever and never come back” (4). This is a powerful beginning image as it suggests the suffering that this woman has gone through during her love life and marriage. The same paragraph the woman discusses her fear of war and turmoil and chaos as she discusses her sadness about her lost love. She uses the war’s chaos to symbolize her own internal war with her emotions about not being with her lover. The narrator then goes on to discuss her tumultuous childhood in the time of the war between the Palestinians and the Lebanese. When her father gets wounded, her mother is by is his side throughout his death, which gives the readers an indication that the parents were devoted to each other. When the father says he’s going to die the mother says “of course you’re not, I’ll die before you do” (19). At one of the camps that the narrator’s family is staying at, she meets Ahmad the man that she was discussing in the beginning of the story. The two have an immediate connection and Ahmad tells her stories of his childhood and his family and his home village. They become engaged before he transferred to another camp and “exchange letters full of love”(22). The marriage is planned quickly as the couple has little money and they are surrounded by violence. Their marriage life is complicated as Ahmad is a fighter in the resistance and his family is in Lebanon. Their first marital problem is the narrator’s disgust in the house that Ahmad had talked about for the year. She describes it as “an abandoned house, isolated amid open country near an army camp” (23). However, since she has such devotion to her husband she makes the best of the situation and told him “there is no problem (23). When Ahmad’s family leaves she returns to her mother’s house until she is able to find a vacant room for she and her husband even though as she reminds us it is too days late because he has died. However before he dies, the two have a last date to the movies where Ahmad confides her the seriousness of their financial issues. It is good that Ahmad finally tells her the truth but he only does because she “puts her hand in the pocket” and says “is that all that’s left from your salary?”(24). Despite the communication issues in their relationship, the narrator is in love with Ahmad because when she hears about the prospect of his death, she pushes it out of her mind, assuring herself that it could never happen. When she finally learns about the death of her husband, her mourning period is compared to Maha’s from Pillars of Salt. Both women were utterly devoted to their husbands and cannot imagine leading their lives without them. The women of the village also attempt to soothe her the same way the Bedouin women attempt to soothe maha. Yet, “her sudden sobbing shattered the stillness” She ends with the knowledge that she is pregnant but that does not soothe her as she is left only with the memories of Ahmad’s laughter and smile. Even though they were not perfect, as no couples are, they were devoted to each other and Yusra is deeply depressed without him.
As a skeptic, it is curious to wonder why the good relationships analyzed thus far end so quickly. Perhaps it is the notion that real love and utter devotion does not last long and eventually passion dies out. It is peculiar that the good relationships end so swiftly while the abusive ones seem to last till death. After all, Yusra and Ahmad were barely married for a year and so technically they could still be considered lovers in their honeymoon phase. However, in terms of analyzing their relationship despite the duration, it is clear that Ahmad respected his wife both as a human being and as a woman. There is no indication that he treated her as a sex object. The author in full detail describes their original emotional connection when Ahmed talks about his childhood, his family, and the aspects of his village that mean so much to him. Perhaps as well, the two were so deeply saddened by the violent situation that surrounded them, it would have been foolish for Ahmad to treat his wife with brutality or disrespect. They were all that each other had and used their love for each other to get by the terrible events which surrounded them.
In the story of a Balcony over the Fakihani, there are many examples of love and marriage that allow us to understand the concepts and values of love in the Middle East. What is interesting about this novel is the author gives all of the perspectives of the most crucial characters in order to get the most accurate portrayal of the story. Badr begins with Suuad’s voice who describes her relationship with her husband in detail from the beginning of their courtship until his death. The story begins with Suuad giving the readers a glimpse into her daily life on the balcony and talks about her husband with love and admiration. She describes him as a “natural humorist” .(34), as he often joins the women in conversation on the balcony. Suuad says that “he’d make us roar with laughter from the bottom of our hearts” (34). Their relationship is peaceful and loving and they maintain a good balance of equally sharing the responsibilities of raising their children. Suuad cooks for the children while Umar helps them with their homework before setting off to work. What is different about their relationship is Umar does not expect his wife to do all of the housework because when they run out of bread, Umar goes down to the grocer to fetch it and send it up to his family.
Suad then gives a detailed experience of when the couple first met in the Jordan Valley. She meets him formally at Im mamoud’s house and grows admires his political knowledge. When he is gone for a long time Suad says that “she began to miss his friendly face and feel the need to see him” (38). She realizes that she is in love with him and the next time she sees him, he asks her to marry him. Courtships in the middle east do not last long and there is little time for the couple to be together and get to know each other. What is interesting about Suad’s character is she does not waste much time fawning over every decision she makes when thinking about Umar, she is only worried about what her family might think. Here, Badr shows the difficulties in marrying when parents are reluctant. Utter devotion and respect to your family is one of the most highly valued goals. Suuad’s mother gives her consent but her father is much more reluctant because he is concerned about the political situation. Ultimately Suuad joins Umar in Beirut, despite her fathers uncertainties, which shows that Suuad’s devotion has changed from her father to her husband. Clearly Suuad is in love with Umar or else she would have listened to her father and married someone who was not a fida.
In Beirut life is very difficult because of their financial troubles and Suad describes her life as a nightmare. Despite all the troubles she never once complains about Umar which shows they have a relationship that is pure because it can survive extreme poverty and a dire situation. When Umar becomes sick, the he becomes the narrator and shows the readers his side of the story of their marriage. While it is clear that he loves his wife because he is good to her and works as hard as he is able to, he commits adultery with the woman that he meets in the hospital. Perhaps Umar’s marriage to Suad is not the perfect match that Suad had the readers believe. However, Umar’s affair with his nurse clearly does not threaten his marriage and is nothing to be taken seriously by him because he confesses to his wife and still remains married to her. What must be pointed out is that if Suad had had the affair, their friends and family would view their marriage much differently then if Umar had the affair. Suad’s friends are able to laugh and joke with Suuad but it is certain that the humor and jokes associated with Umar’s affair would not have been the same if Suad had had the affair.
When Umar leaves to get better he describes himself feeling “sick at heart”(50). It is very manly of him to address his emotions and this is a common practice that western men lack. For some reason, men in the western world have difficulty addressing their emotions and it comes much easier to men in the eastern world. Perhaps this is due to the man’s confidence in his own sexuality and in his marriage. Umar knows that his wife loves him, so he is able to say how sick it made him feel to leave his wife. Fadr is the first offer that analyzes a man’s view about relationships with women and his wife. She chooses to make him have an affair to show man’s need for comfort and sex when he is far away from what is familiar. This seems to be the only explanation for why he would commit adultery as he is so fond of his wife. What is worrisome about the affair is that it was not just about sex because Umar trusted her and confided in her, so he was emotionally involved. He describes her as “poetry in her and music, and a gipsy’s fingertips to touch the strings and turn them into a raging fire: (58). This description shows a strong emotional connection, but not strong enough to break the bond between Umar and his wife. Perhaps what the author is also trying to suggest by having Umar the “perfect husband” commit adultery is that it is simply not rational for a married couple to stay together and not be with anyone else forever despite the intense love for one another. Nevertheless, the affair does not hurt their marriage as long as Louisa, the nurse, does not come to the house.
The end of their beautiful relationship comes when Umar dies and Suad is left with their children to raise alone. The death shocks Suuad, and even her friends are afraid to tell her the news, fearful that Suuad will not be able to handle her life without him. It is a true sign that a marriage is strong when others are fearful that one partner cannot live without the other. Jinan ends with her story almost as a message to the readers that Suad is too sad to continue the story. There was real love that lasted an affair, a sickness and poverty between Suad and Umar.
The Canary and the Sea is also narrated by a man suggesting to the readers that perhaps the men’s point of view is misunderstood by westerners. The author chooses to have men narrate many parts of her story because she wants to correct the notion that all men are evil and want to oppress their wives. It is true that many men are evil and terrible husbands in the Middle East, but it is also true that men are capable of being terrible husbands to their wives in the western world. In the Canary and the Sea, the narrator Abu Hussain, describes his turbulent life but still manages to give further insight on relationships in the Middle East. He is able to marry his wife, a Lebanese girl, because his grandfather had married a Lebanese, so his wife’s parents had to accept. Again, the notion of family acceptance of the husband for their daughter is a crucial aspect. The theme of love and relationships are not as important in the 3rd part of Badr’s story, nonetheless the concept of family acceptance and the man’s need to protect his wife and offspring are strongly enunciated.
The story Dreams of a Trespass continues to develop one’s understanding of love and relationships in the Arab world. The novel takes place in Fez, Morocco and is narrated through Fatima’s perception when she is a young girl. One of the tools that Fatima uses to give her readers an accurate portrayal of her life, she tells her story within stories because that is how she learned many of her life’s important lessons. In the very beginning of the novel, the story of Scheherazade is told to Fatima by her mother to further emphasize the importance of female power. Scheherazade is able to use her powers of storytelling to save herself and all the other young virgins from death by telling stories that captivated and enticed the king. Fatima’s mother tells this story to her daughter because one of her most important lessons to her is that although she is a woman, she will still be able to control a lot more in her life and in relationships than it seems.
Because Fatima is a child she is able to observe firsthand the relationships between men and women elders and also young boys and girls. She keenly notices the development from boys and girls to men and women as she experiences the changes of her relationship with her cousin Samir. Fatima humorously discovers her own sexuality and what it means to become a woman. Mernissi fully develops the essential aspects of women sexuality and female power. While men are able to make all the decisions, women also hold power physically that they are in control of. Many of the books neglect to discuss the powers that women have over their husbands and how the sexual allure of women can be used as a tool. What is also different about this novel is that the readers are able to see three generations of women’s relationships and the similarities and differences between them. The definition of the harem is discussed and argued and is considered one of the most important theme’s of the novel. In simplistic terms, the harem is defined as the house which the women live in. Fatima’s Grandmother, Lalla mani, is an extremely traditional woman who values women’s silence and the harem’s. She does not think that women should be able to leave harem’s and have careers and dreams and other than the tasks at home. Fatima’s grandmother’s strict values make Fatima’s mother have a very difficult time living in her home. Yet, because the grandmother is so difficult the readers are able to see what a balanced and loving relationship fatima’s parents have. Relationships are not able to be critically analyzed without seeing how the couple deals with problems and obstacles at hand and how they bounce back from them and continue their life. The grandmother insists that the family eats together, but her mother refuses forcing Fatima’s father to choose between his wife and his mother. Ultimately he knows that making his wife happy is most important and goes out of his way to buy her food so that she is able to prepare herself a meal. They then sit on the balcony and talk and laugh together emphasizing their happiness and their adoration of each other. It is important that Fatima points this out because at such a young age her mother demands equality and respect from her husband and Fatima is able to grow up in a happy loving home.
However, this novel takes place in Morrocco in the 1940’s which means that Fatima’s mother and father are not entirely on the same level. The father still makes the majority of the rules and he decides what the policies are for the family. For example, when Fatima leaves the Koranic school to join the secular school, her mother wants to get an education as well, but her husband does not permit it. This is an extremely unfair balance that the husband gets to dictate how much education the women have, but these are the policies of the Harem’s in Morocco. Nevertheless Fatima’s mother is a good role model for Fatima because she is constantly doing what she wants and tells her daughter that she will be able to have a bigger and brighter future than her mother ever had. Fatima’s mother still perseveres and despite all the challenges against her she still fights for what she wants to do and never backs down until she has given every ounce of her strength that she has to win the argument. She begins her fight with Fatima’s father about the veil and she wants to replace “the traditional women’s haik with the djellaba or men’s coat.” She believes that “the haik was probably designed to make a woman’s trip through the street so tortourous that she would quickly tire from the effort, rush back home, and never dream of going out again” (118). Fatima’s father’s response is “if women dress like men, it is more than chaos, it is fana (the end of the world). (119). Clearly, he is not for women’s equality yet he looses the battle not just in his own house but in the streets and all of Morrocco.
There is a very interesting scene that Mernissi includes in her novel, which shows the complexity and intrigue of her mother and father’s relationship. Her mother was a remarkable woman because she was one of the few women in the rebel’s section. She becomes obsessed with the book “The liberation of women” by a male feminist writer Qacem Amin. He argues that “men veiled women because they were afraid of their charm and beauty” (121). He ended his book by declaring that men needed to “find ways to develop strength within themselves to and overcome their fears, so that women could shed the veils” (121). What is interesting about this book is that Fatima’s mother is illiterate so she has to beg her husband to do so and in return he asks her to make him his favorite drink and rub his feet. Fatima’s father argued that “Qacem Amin was destroying the harmony of Arab marriage”. He said “I need the help of this Egyptian nut to get closer to my wife!” (122). Clearly, the couple has different opinions on how much freedom and independence women should have. Yet, they are much farther along than most couples because they are able to compromise and work out their issues. He reads her the book if he gets his favorite crushed drink and then when he’s had enough he throws it on the ground and the mother leaves ‘sulky but sure of herself” (122). It is understandable that Fatima’s father is not ready for women’s independence because he is so accustomed to having all of the power. Also his brothers and close friends are not all going what he is experiencing in his house because only Chama and his wife are the women rebels. It is not as if every married woman in Morocco is trying to become a feminist. Chama and Fatima’s mother are fascinated with feminists who like Huda “who was able to transform a society in just a few decades by sheer stubborn will”(130). It is difficult even today for a man to accept that he is not in charge and does not make the rules 100 percent of the time. Men have a serious complex when women make more money than they do and are able to survive without them. Fatima’s father understands to a degree that marriage is about equality and balance, and while Fatima’s father struggles with this concept, he truly loves his wife and accepts many of her new ideas about women and marriage.
Mernissi devotes two chapters to the women of the harem’s beauty rituals, which gives the readers a lot of information about the power that the women have over their husbands in this harem. These scenes are also important because this is when Fatima sees the difference between men and women for herself. As Fatima becomes increasingly aware of the spells that women use to make themselves beautiful, she becomes fascinated in increasing her own sex appeal. Her preoccupation with spells and becoming a femme fatale drive her further away from her relationship with Samir. She says “Samir, with or without breasts I have decided that from now on I will behave life a woman and invest the necessary time in beauty” (221). Samir is not the only male angered with the amount of time and smell that beauty treatments have. Fatima’s father is also frustrated with how badly they smell and begs his wife to do try more Americanized items that smell delicious. But Fatima’s mother refuses saying that she is in control of her own beauty, which is the one thing that she is able to have to make her feel beautiful and powerful. Fatima’s father is not able to win this battle because Fatima’s mother feels so strongly about this. Fatima’s mother loves her husband because she wants him to see that she is beautiful but she also wants to be beautiful for herself. Their marriage is strong but full of difficulties. Because they are devoted to each other and their family, they work through their issues but for now Fatima’s father makes the final decisions about the most important matters.
The last novel that explores the role of love and marriage in the Middle East is In the Eye of the Sun by Ahdaf Soueif. This is the longest novel and perhaps the most complicated. The relationship that is explored in the most intricate detail is the relationship between Asya and Saif . The story follows their relationship from the beginning of their courtship to their divorce. Asya’s relationship to Saif explores the notion that more modern relationships in the Middle East share much more of the marital problems similar to the western world. There is very little parental influence, there are extramarital affairs, and talk of separation and divorce. Asya is the most modern woman in all of the five novels. She frequently makes her own decisions and avoids the advice of many who try to help her and often does exactly the opposite. Even before Asya meets Saif, the author gives the readers clear details foreshadow that sex will play a major role in Asya’s relationships. When Asya and her friend Chrissie are young girls, they look through Chrissie’s father’s porn magazines and are fascinated with what they find. Chrissie’s father and Asya’s father behave very differently about their daughter’s relationships. When Chrissie’s father discovers Chrissie walking on the street with a man, he throws himself into a violent rage, and Asya’s father seems almost indifferent when dealing with Asya and her many suitors. When a young ambassador approaches the family because he wants to marry Asya, both her parents let Asya make the decision to decline. Asya’s parents raise he to be an independent woman but she perhaps has too much freedom as she makes many mistakes in her love life that could possibly be due to the lack of constraint and restriction she has growing up. Asya can be viewed as a spoiled character because she is not used to not getting her way and does not like it when people say no to her. When anything goes wrong and she is upset in her life, she expects her husband or her parents to make the problem go away instead of facing the problem and dealing with them by herself. Soueif depicts Asya’s lack of ability to take care of problems when she describes the relationship between she and Saif. Asya first meets Saif in 1967 when she is only eighteen and is convinced that she has fallen madly in love with him. She wants to marry him immediately despite her parents warning about marrying so young without finishing school. Asya’s parents are very modern in the sense that they do not demand anything from their daughter. They only want her to be happy, receive a solid education and lead a full life. Asya and Saif’s relationship is passionate and dramatic. Normally in the previous books, the parents have kept a close watch on their unmarried virgin daughters. Asya’s parents let her go about as she pleases. After school she goes to a hotel to meet Saif and her parents assume that she is studying. Saif is very clear about not engaging in full sexual intercourse with her because he wants to marry a virgin. Yet he shows a classic double standard because he is not a virgin and does not assume that this will be a problem for Asya. Soueif describes their kiss as a “when he bit her lip it bled” indicating that their relationship is passionate yet full of pain and trouble. When Asya returns from her summer studies and she goes to Saif’s house she finds that he has lied to her about several trivial things, showing Saif’s insecurities and ambivalence about his relationship with Asya. Saif introduces Asya to a world of danger and corruption when they meet Alberto on the boat who shows them hashish and cocaine and communal sex. This is the point in the relationship where we see Asya begin to transform from a silly girl who makes up her own rules to a sexual young woman who wants to have a fulfilling sexual life. She wants Saif to tell his friends that they are involved sexually to further emphasize her newly found sexual nature. This relationship is particularly bizarre for a Middle Eastern woman who is supposed to honor virginity and purity. The couple’s sexual relationship is thought to be persevered and meant only for the man and woman involved in the couple.
When Saif and Asya get married, they have severe sexual issues. Asya becomes terrified of Saif and trembles and tenses up every time he comes near her. When she becomes pregnant she is confused and tells her doctor that they have barely had sex properly and doesn’t understand how she could possibly be pregnant. What separates Asya and Saif’s relationship from the other relationships that have been analyzed is that the couples are anxious and excited to have a family. The other couples also have lots of pressure from their respective families to pro create so that the family history lives on. We see very little input from Asya and Saif’s family, and when Asya discovers she is pregnant she is concerned because she says that childbirth is painful and she does not want to become fat and ugly. Asya tells everyone that she is not looking forward to having the child but secretly, as the child grows inside of her, she becomes excited about the prospect of having a child. When she loses the baby, Asya convinces herself that the doctor, Saif and the rest of her family think that she did something to hurt her child so that she would purposely miscarry. She is not nearly as upset about losing the baby as she is over the notion that perhaps her family thinks that she hurt her baby. Asya pretends to not be concerned with the image of what others think about her, but in actuality she is very insecure and deeply concerned that people will think she hurt her child. This is the first time that a woman in any of the novels rethinks childbirth. It is so customary and expected for a woman to expect and look forward to childbirth that it takes the readers by surprise to see a Middle Eastern woman not look forward to children. Asya is not a conventional woman who looks forward to being a housewife. She values education and school over her expected roles. Asya only involves her parents in her marriage when she begins to have problems with Saif. She does not realize how difficult married life can be and what a commitment it takes make a marriage work. She says to her friend Chrissie, “ Chrissie he wont fight he wont argue He wont talk if it gets heavy. He’ll put on a record, light a cigarette, and open a book. He thinks I’m stupid, and hysterical” (297). She is frustrated that Saif ignores her so she runs to her parent’s house to get away from her problems and hopes that the distance will take care of the problem. One could interpret this as Asya acting as a childish spoiled little girl who needs her mommy and daddy to fix her problems, but really she has no where else to turn and is at a loss for how to fix her marital issues. She debates with herself about returning to her parent’s house and calls this it “the classic upset wife thing to do and I don’t want to do it. Besides they’d keep on and on at me” (297). It turns out that Asya is right because eventually her father makes her return back to her husband and insists that they work out their issues and everything will go back to the way it was before they started having problems. Asya’s father forces her to return home and does not allow his daughter to behave childishly any longer. It turns out that the arguments between Saif and Asya were less serious arguments and more similar to lovers quarrels that begin over something as trivial as George Elliot novels. But in Asya’s life she has never experienced major trouble or arguments because as a child she was so used to getting her way and having things run as she sees fit. She was not like a typical Middle Eastern girl because she made up the rules in her house as opposed to abiding by her father’s rules. Saif expects a certain behavior from his wife that Asya is not used to giving, because she is allowed to stand up to her parents and say whatever opinions she has about them and their own personal relationship. Before Asya’s father takes control of the situation and brings her back to her husband’s house, Asya’s mother also plays a role in trying to make Asya return to her husband. She tells Asya that she must return to her husband’s house and Asya says to her mother, “you never stood up to daddy. Not once. We were supposed to believe you had this wonderfully happy marriage but it was all at your expense. I’m not going to let it be like that for me. I’m not” (299). This is a very revealing quotation because it gives the readers insight into Asya’s parents relationship and the way in which Asya was raised. Clearly, Asya’s mother is much more a typical Middle Eastern wife who obeyed her husband and gave her children the illusion that they lived in a happy marriage free of problems. Asya sees that this is not the case as she is experiencing in her own marriage that marriage is not nearly as easy as her parents made it seem and she will refuse to be a coward to her husband like her mother was. Asya disrespects her mother, but to a certain extent, her mother needed to hear that perhaps she should demand some self respect from her husband.
When Asya is at school in northern England getting her P.h.D she is very lonely and depressed and misses her family and Saif. It seemed that she ran to northern England to get rid of the troubles in her marriage, but she also was very set on getting an education. She is not able to fully concentrate on her studies and enjoy getting her P.H.D because she is too homesick. It is while Asya is away from her husband, she realizes that she truly loves Saif and despite their marital issues she wants to make it work and convinces Saif to get a job in Europe. The reason why Asya’s marriage seems much more troubling compared to the marriages in the rest of the novels is because the author gives us the most intricate and intimate details of the marriage. She wants her readers to understand Asya’s marriage from the inside out and to sympathize with her and want her to succeed in her relationship. The other authors give a rough sketch of the marriage and rarely did we read about the sex lives of the couple, which clearly plays a major role in a marriage. Even the most successful marriages have major issues, but it is the way the couple works through their issues and their ability to bounce back as a stronger couple is how the success rate should be measured. Clearly, Asya loves her husband or else she would have not been as miserable as she was without him at school. She is lonely and homesick and the distance away from him shows her that she is ready to make her relationship with Saif work. All marriages are difficult and it is when Asya is at school she realizes that Saif is the man that she wants to be her husband. When Saif does decide to leave his job at the U.N to be near Asya, everyone commends him for the sacrifice that he makes to leave the U.N, his highly respectable job to come and support his wife. What is interesting about this scene is that everyone commends Saif for leaving his job, but it is not as if he will never return to such a highly respected position and he is also in northern England to pursue a doctorate as well. It is not as if he is making a major sacrifice to be a good husband and get nothing else out of it. Saif does make a sacrifice to leave his job, but it is not as grand a gesture as everyone back home in Cairo makes it seem to be. It is because Saif is the husband and the man and he is leaving his job to make his wife have an easier time at school. When Saif arrives their marriage begins to improve for the better until it falls again. She tells Saif that she thinks that she does not condone polygamy. It is not clear whether this is her actual opinion or she is just saying this to get a rise out of Saif. Asya is the kind of woman that needs attention from her husband all the time Asya decides she needs a break from Saif when she meets Gerald, a handsome blue eyed Englishman, and sees that there are other men in the world who find her desirable. Gerald can show her what it means to feel like a woman in control of her sexuality. The author chooses Asya to have an affair because she is a portrayed as a strong woman who is able to control the way her life goes. She is dissatisfied with her relationship with her husband and so she chooses to find satisfaction and emotional connection with someone else. Usually when someone in a relationship starts having an affair it means that there are major problems that are not being communicated. Asya tells her husband that she needs a break from her marriage so technically they are separated. The couple splits up geographically before they even mention the notion of divorce to each other. Divorce is highly looked down upon in their culture and would be an embarrassment to themselves and their family. Even though almost all of Asya’s actions have been atypical of a Middle Eastern woman, she still does not choose to get divorced. It is unclear what the main reason for not getting a divorce initially. It could be partly because she believes that there is hope in their marriage and she also does not want to disrespect her culture. It could also be that she is too lazy to go through with it, she still loves Saif but she wants to explore the possibility of having a relationship with Gerald. Asya’s affair in the beginning, like all affairs is torrid and fulfilling, but then Gerald becomes unhealthily obsessed with her which is too much for Asya. Gerald becomes a typical dominating man who is not able to let Asya have any privacy in regards to everything from her whereabouts to her mail. She eventually breaks it off with him and realizes that she wants to try to make her marriage work with Saif. Asya is a very strong woman who got what she wanted out of the affair. The affair’s purpose was for Asya to become comfortable and in control of her body as a sexual tool. She was able to not be afraid of sex and pleasing herself. While the affair was still an indication that their relationship was suffering and needed major work, Asya used the affair to become an assertive woman comfortable with sex. Unfortunately, Asya’s marriage to Saif does not survive the affair as he becomes consumed with knowing every intimate detail of her relationship with the Englishmen. He justifiably disgusted with the thought in his mind that another man slept in his bed with his wife living off of his salary. She is blinded by her western ideals that she forgets the value of marriage. All that is important to is her happiness or lack thereof. When Saif asks her why she had the affair, she trivially responds, “I was lonely”. Eventually, Asya and her husband get divorced and Saif begins several different relationships to heal his wound that Asya left him with. He felt deeply betrayed by her both as a wife and as a friend. Asya gets her P.h.D and graduates and moves on with her life in Cairo as a divorced woman.
In conclusion, love in a Middle Eastern marriage is a vital tool in order for a marriage to be successful. This notion is not different from a western marriage. A western marriage needs love and good communication to succeed as well. Love and marriage are able to exist hand and hand regardless of an arranged marriage or a western style marriage. Children complicate marriage but are necessary for a successful relationship in the Middle East. If there are no children then there is too much intervention and pressure from the in laws to pro create. Extramarital affairs may solve short term problems but in the end is not the way to solve a failing marriage. Marriage is hard but if the couple is determined to work at it and the husband is able to see has wife as his partner and not his subordinate, then the marriage will succeed. All the women in the books have shown that they are just as strong as their husbands and have been able to lead their lives as they see fit and achieve complete happiness within themselves and within their marriage.