This Valentine's Day, stop and think about your friends and lovers. Chances are they're like you: the same religion, social class, and race. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Ombudsperson Rochelle Calhoun has personal and professional experience with cross-racial relationships. Recently she proposed a noncredit course, Can't We All Just Get Along?--Love and Friendship across Color Lines. Planning it stirred thoughts she agreed to share with CSJ readers.
RC: Part of it is ignorance and fear about acknowledging that we need to learn about other races. That's usually coming from the person in the dominant group. What keeps people in targeted groups apart from others is the exhaustion of imagining that they have to teach the other person [about their group]. They may also fear rejection.
And as a society, we aren't in each other's presence enough. In our communities, churches, synagogues, schools ... wherever friendships would naturally form, we are typically with people like ourselves. So it takes effort to form cross-racial relationships.
CSJ: How might it happen?
RC: It would mean being intentional, saying "I want to make friends across racial lines." Do you pick a home because it's in a diverse community? Do you take advantage of the available cultural events? Do you get to know people by helping to plan those events? Do you work with people different from yourself, and if so, do you go to lunch with them?
The tag line for my life comes from a song by Sweet Honey in the Rock that says, "We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes." Your good will isn't enough; you have to be constantly "at it."
CSJ: What are some of the benefits and sticking points of having friends or lovers of another race?
RC: It's the most fulfilling part of life to be expanded in your relationships through true connections to other people. And when people bring you different experiences that help you grow, it opens the world a billionfold and expands who you can be in the world.
On the negative side, people forget how emotional racial issues can be. Even though Robert [Lussier, a white landscape designer] and I had been married for seven years, it was very hard to talk about Rodney King. You need to establish a way, despite the difficulty, to talk about race.
Also, individuals must be responsible for their own education about other groups so neither person becomes an "encyclopedia." I've seen a lot of potentially good friendships not flourish because one person gets tired of "teaching" the other. You must have patience to nurture relationships; the work takes time.
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