Title: How to Treat an Insane Elf

Pairings: the Fellowship (aka everyone and Legolas), Humor

Rating: NC-17

Summary: sequel to The Trouble With Hobbits and Legolas’s Revenge. Gandalf tries a few things to drive Legolas sane again.

Disclaimer: If they belonged to me, there would have been nude Legolas scenes, lots of them, in all the movies. Mmm. Nude Legolas. Ooh, and Glorfindel would be in it, and there would be many, many naked elves.

Warning: orgies, drinking, drug use, um, insanity. But y’all should know to expect that from me by now.

Author's Note: Um, yup, I've completely lost it. Yay me! I would like to blame my college for this. I’ve been insane for ages, but it takes MHC to drive me to that special place beyond insanity where I seem to be spending all my time lately. Reviews motivate me. If you want more, soon, review,. Oh, and I’d like to thank Susie, Teari, the mad elf banger, Ara, Indra, and especially my friends for making me happy and reviewing so I got motivated to write this instead of doing my quantum.

Archive: www.mtholyoke.edu/~adsmith (my page) library of Moria, anywhere else is fine, but email so I know where it is. Fics will be posted on my page before they go to the Library, so… But bear in mind that exams are coming up, then there’s summer and I don’t know how much I’ll be writing and how much I’ll be working. So it may be a while before the next one. Sorry.

*is farspeaking*

<is thoughts>

Gandalf was worried. Seriously worried. Legolas had gone completely and totally insane. If they weren’t so close to Caradhras, and if the quest was not so important, he would have suggested a return to Rivendell to seek Elrond’s help. But Legolas was as sharp-eyed as ever, and his fighting skills had not been affected. Just his social skills. Aragorn was no longer speaking to Legolas, and was doing his best to ignore him. Boromir, who was still trying to get into Aragorn’s pants, was loyally doing the same. Legolas’s response had been to tease them both as much as possible. Gandalf wasn’t sure how much longer it’d be before one or both of them snapped. Hell, he was going to snap soon. Legolas had this way of licking his lips, or sucking on one of his fingers, or fondling his bow. At this moment, he was running his hands slowly up and down it, supposedly checking for cracks. It was enough to make Gandalf seriously consider jumping him. And by the expressions of everyone else, they were all thinking the same thing. Something had to be done, and soon. He put his pipe down and tried to clear his head. He was going to farspeak Elrond, and if he tried it while high, he’d never hear the end of it. The perinnath was such a prude about pipeweed. Gandalf thought that was rather hypocritical, considering what Elrond and Celeborn had been up to last time he tried to farspeak Elrond. He briefly wondered if Galadriel knew what her husband was up to with their son-in-law. Well, if she didn’t know, he certainly wasn’t going to enlighten her. She had this lovely habit of trying to kill the messenger. Generally with her huge axe. He liked his body parts all attached, thank you very much. He shook his head and glanced up. Legolas was giving himself a washing. He stared for a bit, then forced himself to look at the others to see how they were taking this behavior. They were drooling. Somehow that didn’t surprise him. He stared back into the fire…

*Elrond.*

*Aah. Lower. Aaaah.*

<Damn. He was having sex, again. Or possibly an orgy. The images he was getting either involved more than three people, or Erector and Glorfindel had gotten much more flexible of late. But was that a beard? Radagast!? Oh dear Eru, I did not need to see that! Okay, I am definitely having a nice long talk with him.>

*ELROND!! ELROND!! ELROND, SON OF EARENDIL, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF RADAGAST’S CROTCH AND TALK TO ME, NOW!! *

*Ow. You don’t have to yell, Mithrandir. I can hear you just fine. And what’s so important that I can’t finish what I’m doing here?*

*It’s Legolas.*

*Thranduil’s youngest? What about him, and why are you bothering me instead of his father?*

Gandalf sighed. Elrond had gotten so forgetful these last few millennia. He’d even forgotten his own children’s names on occasion. Of course, listening to him call Elrohir by his horse’s name for an entire day was absolutely hysterical. How anyone could think their child was named Horse, even for a moment, was beyond him. But then how anyone could name a horse Horse was also beyond him. But Elrohir was never very good at naming things. He was possibly the only elf ever to have two dogs, one named Dog and the other named Hu(dog).

*GANDALF!! You interrupt me and then you start thinking about Elrohir’s inability to think of names. I swear, that pipe weed is making you feeble-minded. Now, what’s so important about Thranduil’s youngest, most gorgeous son?*

*He’s gone insane.*

*How insane?*

Gandalf sent a mental image of what Legolas had done to Aragorn. Elrond laughed for 5 minutes straight.

*Oh dear Eru, that’s funny. And what has he been doing since?*

*Teasing the entire Fellowship. I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to last before we all lose control and start jumping him.*

*That could work.*

*WHAT??!!*

*Ow! No yelling. He’s snapped because he’s having trouble dealing with his attraction to males and those not of his own race. I knew I should have sent Glorfindel instead. He would know to just sleep with everyone and get it out of his system. Legolas doesn’t. He’s very sexually repressed, and young. The inexperience of the young and all that. The best way to snap him out of it is to shock him and then find something else for him to think about. An orgy just might work.*

*I was thinking pipeweed.*

*It might help get him in the mood, but it won’t do anything to make him sane again. But Gandalf, make sure he’s willing! And not your usual, he’s hard so he’s happy, willing, but truly willing. If he perceives it as rape, it’ll turn him into a homicidal maniac and he’ll kill you all. Get him very drunk and stoned, then have an orgy. He won’t remember anything in the morning, and it should be enough to snap him out of it.*

*Thanks.*

*Can I go back to what I was doing now?*

*Yup. But, please, no more mental images of Radagast. That’s just icky.*

Elrond’s laughter echoed in Gandalf’s skull until he cut off contact.

The next night, the Fellowship had a meeting, sans Legolas, who was on watch.

“An orgy?! You have got to be kidding me. I have no desire to sleep with that nancing wimpy creature.”

“Yup, that explains the drool every time he takes his shirt off.”

“I will hurt you little one!”

“You’ll have to catch me first.”

Merry squealed and ran around the clearing, with Gimli running close behind brandishing his axe.

“Both of you stop this now! We are all going to have to do this. Everyone will participate or it will not work. Lord Elrond was very specific about that.”<Okay, so he never said that, but Eru will forgive me a little lie in pursuit of the greater good. Besides, it’ll do them all good.>

“So how do we do this?”

“Apparently give him pipeweed, and …”

Aragorn made a choked sound.

“What?”

“Gandalf, do you have any idea what pipeweed does to an elf, especially in large applications?”

“No, and I don’t care. This is all your fault anyway. So, we are all going to do this.”

Aragorn groaned. This was going to end badly. He just knew it. But, well, the idea of finally getting inside Legolas’s pants quickly squeezed out whatever objection was trying to rear its head. It also squeezed out all the other thoughts in his head. Suddenly his head was full of naked Legolas begging to be fucked. It was rather distracting.