Gandalf had fallen into darkness, and the company found themselves distracted by their grief as they approached the Golden Wood. It was the first time Legolas had ever seen anyone die, and he was not sure what to think about it. The idea that someone could be there one minute and gone the next terrified him. And the reactions of the others confused him. He could understand that they had to keep going, but Aragorn had allowed them only a minute to grieve before forcing them onwards. In reality it had been over an hour, but elves are not known for their keen grasp of time. In fact, they are well-known for saying things like "next week" and actually meaning next century. And the older they get, the worse it gets. Anyway, I digress.
Legolas was very happy to be among his own kind once more, but he would not have been so happy had he been listening to the conversation Aragorn was having with Haldir....
"Anyway, Gandalf said to give him pipeweed. Remind me not to do that again. "
"Why not? What did it do to him?"
"Doesn't pipeweed have the same effect on all elves?"
"Nope. Depends on whether they're Sindarin, Noldorian, or Silvan. Noldorians get giggly and relaxed, Sindarians get really horny, and it doesn't affect Silvans at all. And there's no telling how it would affect someone like Legolas with mixed ancestry."
"Well, he got very horny, but he also blacked out. First time I've seen an elf do that. But he was a completely different person. Totally uninhibited."
"And this is a bad thing how? We are talking about the same stunningly gorgeous Prince of Mirkwood, aren't we?"
"Well, yes, but ..."
Aragorn blushed and tailed off into an embarrassed silence. Haldir smirked.
"Okay, what did he do?"
"Nothing."
"Yeah right. Dish."
Aragorn shook his head no. Haldir responded by moving very close to him, and slipping a hand down his pants.
"Talk or I leave you unsatisfied."
Aragorn groaned. Haldir started to wiggle his fingers. Aragorn let out an undignified yelp. The hobbits looked over, noticed where Haldir's hand was, and got very confused.
"Pip, look what he's doing!"
"Did Aragorn give him pipeweed?"
"Don't think so. I expect this is jut some kind of elven interrogation technique."
"It seems to be working splendidly. We need to remember that one."
The hobbits turned over, and went back to their dreams.
Meanwhile, Aragorn was telling Haldir everything.
"And then he walked off a cliff. I knew Mirkwood elves were repressed, but still!"
"Well, he was thinking about Caithdein. She does have a knack for making men's brains turn off. Half the elves of Lorien turn into little puddles when she gets a certain look in her eyes."
"And you'd know this how?"
"Never you mind."
Aragorn moved his hand towards Haldir's leggings, but was rebuffed.
"That doesn't work on me. Anyway, continue the story."
So Aragorn continued, blushing extravagantly when he got to the bit involving the tree and naked Legolas.
"Hee hee. I didn't think Legolas had it in him. That's great. So how was the view?"
"Drool worthy."
"Well, of course. But I'm talking details. Length, diameter, firmness, roundness..."
"Roundness?"
"Of his backside. Sheesh."
"Oh, I thought you meant..."
"Yes, I figured that's what you thought I meant. But It wouldn't be any good to anyone if it was round."
"Maybe if it uncurled?"
And so Aragorn and Haldir continued talking and snickering late into the night. Thankfully, Legolas had no idea of the evil plans that were being hatched in Haldir's head. The depraved and immoral plans that he was hatching in order to take advantage of Legolas' pipeweed reaction. The plans involving...GASP.. face paint!!!
After meeting Celeborn and Galadriel, and receiving Galadriel's warning about seagulls (it would have been nice if she had warned him about Haldir, but she was probably distracted by his gorgeousness), the Fellowship set up camp at the base of a mallorn tree. They were offered a talan to sleep in, but Gimli refused to climb up to it, so they slept on the ground. Legolas griped about not being able to sleep in a bed until Gimli threw his helmet at him, at which point he wandered off to find someone to complain to about the idiot dwarf. Unfortunately for him, he ran into Haldir.
"Why so glum, cousin? Are you not happy to be here?"
"It's not that. It's just, well, I was looking forward to sleeping in a bed again, and the stubborn dwarf won't climb up to the talan and Aragorn says we all have to stay together. I don't see why. It's not like we could come to any harm here."
"He just wants an excuse to keep you all to himself."
Legolas blushed.
"Whatever do you mean?"
"Cousin, do not tell me you are unaware of the effect you have on those mere mortals? Their eyes follow you wherever you go."
"I know, and I am very tired of it. It makes me nervous. What are they looking at, anyway?"
Haldir smirked. This was just going to be too easy. Leave it to King Thranduil to overprotect his son to the point of complete cluelessness.
"Why do you not come to the pub with me for a while? It would give you a break from the eternal staring."
"That sounds wonderful. Thank you. A drink would be nice."
And Haldir led the way to what Legolas thought was a nice bar. In reality, it was the Lorien Rave Club (motto: Proudly stoning the fair folk for over one thousand years). The rave club was well-known for their use of pipeweed as incense and their very impressive orgies, often involving over 50 elves. Not to mention, the only place in Lorien you could get body shots. And their bad lighting, but that was intentional. The Silvans may go there to watch the Noldorians and Sindarins get it on, but neither group is going to bother to show up without the illusion of privacy.
Now, you or I would probably be tipped off by the darkness and the smell of pipeweed that this is not a nice little bar, but sweet, innocent, confused Legolas had no clue. He just assumed all bars in Lorien were like this.
“A bit noisy, isn’t it Haldir?”
“WHAT??”
“NOISY, ISN’T IT?”
“NO MORE THAN USUAL.”
“WHAT’S THAT SMELL?”
“I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING.”
Legolas began to feel hot, faint, and dizzy. Haldir noticed his condition, and led him to a booth. Right by the smoldering pipeweed. Soon Legolas shed his outer layers. His arousal was becoming very noticeable. So noticeable, in fact, that several other elves wandered over to help Haldir deal with it. And to help Legolas take off his clothes. And to play with his ears, hair, and whatever else they could reach. Thankfully, Legolas’s concious mind had shut down about the time he sat down. No one noticed the dark-haired elf sneaking out of the club. They were too busy drooling over Legolas. And doing other things to Legolas….

To be continued next time when we will find out…
Who the dark-haired elf is and where he is going
Where Legolas will wake up
And various other things.