Title: Monty Python’s Flying Circus, hobbit style [part 1 of who knows]

Author: Melfina the Blue (psychogenius@poetic.com)

Pairings: as many as my diseased mind can contemplate, humor

Rating: R for general insanity

Summary: Monty Python skits + the plot from Fellowship = bizarre and insane

Disclaimer: Very little belongs to me. I don’t even own all of the dialog. Or the idea of combining Monty Python and LOTR. It’s just that the hobbits are being most insistent about dressing up as Mounties and doing the Lumberjack song. If you sue, you’ll get nothing. This would be because I don’t own anything. I’m a college student, and therefore perpetually broke.

Warning: Random and strange, and insane. Most definitely insane. And obviously slash. If something happens in future chapters that requires warning, I’ll warn at the beginning of that chapter.

Author’s Note: Okay, combining these two was first done by Wolfine, who wrote Monty Sauron and the Only Ring. It’s really funny, so you should read it if you haven’t already. And if he/she hadn’t had the idea to combine Holy Grail and LOTR, it probably never would have occurred to me to do this, so credit where credit is due. But I think I may be the first to attempt to combine the TV show with the movie. And all elvish comes from the Sindarin dictionary.

Archive: anywhere is fine, but email so I know where it is

(opening dialog from Fellowship, narrated by Galadriel sitting at an announcer’s desk)

Suddenly Sarumon walks in.

“And now for something completely different…”

cut to Aragorn looking really haggard standing on the edge of a cliff with the other members of the Fellowship clustered around

“It’s,” Aragorn says.

Aragorn is thrown off cliff by Legolas.

One of Sousa’s marches (the theme to Monty Python) starts.

“Monty Python’s Flying Circus”

“But Mr. Frodo, I thought it was the Fellowship of the Ring.”

“You know, Sam, I think you may be right.”

An irate Legolas taps Frodo on the shoulder.

“You know, I’m not going to go get him and then throw him off again. Just call it Monty Python attacks the Fellowship of the Ring.”

Galadriel begins to attempt to narrate again.

“But they were all of them deceived. For…”

Lord Elrond and Isildur walk into a pet shop. Isildur is carrying a bird cage with a dead parrot in it. The shopkeeper is an Orc disguised as a dentist.

“I want to complain. I brought this bird here.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Look, I most certainly did. It was not half an hour ago.”

“No, you didn’t. This is a dentistry, not a pet shop.”

“Then why do you have all these animals for sale? Hah. Got you there, don’t I?”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I… no wait. This is getting us nowhere. Look, I brought this bird here at this pet shop…”

“Dentistry.”

“Whatever. And when I got home I found out it was dead.”

“No it wasn’t. It was standing up.”

“It was standing up because its feet has been nailed to the perch. It’s dead.”

“No it isn’t. Look, it moved.”

“You jiggled the cage. It’s dead, and I want my money back.”

“It’s not dead.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Look, you stupid little man, Orc, thing. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. I want a refund.”

“Okay, fine. If it’ll shut you up, here. Take this ring.”

As Isildur takes the ring, High King Gilgalad walks in.

“Alright, stop the sketch. This is just getting far too silly. Do you really expect the audience to buy this?”

Elrond taps Gilgalad on the shoulder, and when he turns around, Elrond flashes him.

“Alright, that’s it. I’m taking you in for conduct unbecoming an elf lord.”

He drags Elrond out of the shop. Isildur is left behind looking puzzled. He then leaves the store, and is promptly mugged by grannies dressed as orcs.

Galadriel again: “and thus the Ring was lost.”

Celeborn wanders into the frame…

“You know, dear, it wasn’t really lost. Just because Isildur didn’t have it anymore…”

Galadriel hands him some pipe weed.

“Oooh. Is it old Tody?”

He wanders back off frame. Galadriel turns back to the papers in front of her.

“And now to continue with the story…”

Cut to the Shire

Frodo is sitting in a field, dressed as a bishop. Around him, animals explode. Gandalf wanders in on his cart, singing “Eric the half a bee.” Frodo wanders up to Gandalf.

“You know, Gandalf, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve forgotten something.”

“Young hobbit, there are many things I would like to forget.”

Cut to scene of Elrond and Gilgalad nude in bed. They are both smoking pipe weed.

“That one being top of the list. But tell me, Frodo, why are you dressed like that?”

“It’s for the next sketch. I was just trying to learn my lines.”

He hands Gandalf a script. Gandalf flips to the front cover.

“Frodo, this is for next week’s episode, Elvish Poetry to become a Kamikaze Scotsman to.”

“Gandalf, what’s a Scotsman?”

“There are more things under Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Merry walks in dressed as Shakespeare.

“Now look here. I know Tolkien may tolerate his characters…”

Cut to shot of Tolkien sitting at his desk, surrounded by beautiful elvish maidens clamoring for spankings.

“No I don’t. I’ve just given up trying to control them.”

“Anyway, Tolkien may tolerate his characters being involved in this sort of silliness, but I won’t. No quoting anything I’ve written for the rest of the show!”

Frodo holds up a sign. It reads “It’s a hobbit’s life in the flying circus.”

Gilgalad runs in, and collides with Shakespeare. They both begin to speak.

“Now look, what did I just say?”

“How dare you rip off our slogan? This is your one and only warning.”

“Wait, whose slogan is that? And why would an elf’s slogan have anything to do with hobbits?”

Gilgalad looks flustered. Elrond sneaks up behind him and holds up a sign. It reads…

“It’s a halfling’s life being buggered by elves.”

Then the grannies run in, hit Elrond repeatedly with their purses, and drag everyone but Gandalf and Frodo off.

“Gandalf, what the hell was that?”

“Sauron’s influence, I fear. He will stop at nothing to get the Ring back.”

“Wait, what ring?”

Aragorn staggers in and holds up a sign. It reads…

“It’s a hobbit’s life trying to throw the one Ring into Mount Doom.”

Gilgalad staggers into the frame. There are three grannies holding onto him, attempting to prevent him from complaining.

“Now, look, this really is…”

The Manchester rugby team runs in and tackles him.

Gandalf begins to speak.

“I fear, Frodo, that we will never get anywhere until we manage to escape all these distractions. Meet me at the Inn of the Prancing Pony, in Bree. I must go consult with the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful, and may know a way to avoid these constant interruptions. Be sure to bring the Ring with you.”

Gandalf gets on his horse and rides off, leaving his wagon behind.

“But wait, Gandalf, what ring?!?”

Cut to Galadriel

“And thus, the young hobbit was mightly confused. But this was a good thing, as he had been dangerously bored, It is a good thing that his uncle had the good sense to call Confuse a Hobbit. Remember, don’t ever try to confuse a hobbit yourselves. It’s a job for professionals.”

Celeborn walks in, looking more than slightly stoned, and holds up a sign. It reads…

“Confuse A Hobbit, Inc.

It’s a dir’s life confusing a periannath.”

Cut to Gilgalad standing beneath the same cliff Aragorn had been thrown off of. Boromir is peering over the edge of it, looking down at Gilgalad.

“I warned you, didn’t I? I said…”

“Go ahead, Legolas. There’s no one important down there.”

Legolas throws Aragorn off the cliff again. He lands on top of Gilgalad.

Credits roll

Dir- adult male (of any species capable of speech)

Periannath-hobbit/halfling