Title: The Trouble with Hobbits

Author: Melfina the Blue (psychogenius@poetic.com)

Pairings: Aragorn/Legolas, Humor

Rating: R for language and some vague sexual imagery

Summary: the hobbits are slowly driving Legolas insane

Disclamer: I think they’re all very relieved that they don’t belong to me. I am a broke college student. Please don’t sue.

Warning: heterosexual lusting and cursing sequel will be angsty

Author’s Note: If you know what Telf stands for/ means, I’ll give you a cookie. Reviews are nice. Flame me, and I will curse thee with the power of Gauss’s Law! <evil laugh> Or worse, the TISE! Be nice, it’s my first nonanime fanfic. If you want to read more of my stuff, it’s on mediaminer.org under psychocavalier

Archive: anywhere is fine, but email so I know where it is

A few days into the trip, Legolas had firmly decided that he was never listening to Lord Elrond again. He couldn’t believe that he’d been talked into doing this. Roughing it wasn’t so bad, but he’d never thought he’d be this homesick. And it wasn’t just not being at Eryn Galen (Mirkwood). He’d spent years at Imladris. No, it was the lack of his own kind.

Well, the humans weren’t so bothersome. He’d dealt with them before. But the others…. The dwarf was infuriating, but then all dwarves were. All he had to do was resist the temptation to throttle him. It was the hobbits. The hobbits who unnerved and confused him. Their appetites overwhelmed and flabbergasted him. All they talked about was food and sex. He now knew four different ways to prepare rabbit in mushroom sauce. And he had learned more about Pippin’s sex life than he had ever wanted to know, more than he knew about Telf’s. And Telf was his best friend. To know more about Pippin… Legolas shuddered. It was wrong, just plain wrong! Even now he could hear him…

“And then, and then she let me fuck her. I mean, I was hoping for oral fucking at best, but she grabbed me, and next thing I knew, I was fucking her.”

Even their words for it were as disgusting and perverted as they were. And yet, they were not wholly perverted. They showed friendship and courage and compassion, and many other good qualities. But the very idea of them… He had an uncontrollable urge to wash his brain out with soap. Or maybe their mouths. That might work better. Yup, next stream he came to, he was washing their mouths out with soap.

“Legolas, have you ever fucked anyone like that?”

Legolas was horrified. To refer to her like that. With her smooth, soft, shimmering alabaster skin, and her waves of dark hair, and her eyes a man could fall into and her…

At this point, his body cut his brain off at the pass. It came to the decision that it would be less embarrassing and painful if he walked off the cliff he happened to be standing next to. Luckily, Aragorn happened to be right next to him. Unluckily, the first thing Aragorn managed to grab as Legolas walked off the cliff was his long hair.

Legolas screamed as his scalp began to slowly rip off. He felt the blood begin to run down his face and neck as he flailed frantically for a handhold. Aragon grabbed one of his arms and fell backwards, flinging the elf behind him. In principle, this was a good plan. Unfortunately, Aragorn had forgotten that there was a rock face behind him.

Legolas slammed into the rock with a bone-jarring thud. As the world around him faded to blackness, he could hear Merry’s voice…

“Okay, new rule. No asking Legolas about his fuck life.”

Legolas regained consciousness slowly. He could hear Boromir grappling with the hobbits. Mithrandir and Aragorn were talking quietly.

“How did this happen?”

“The hobbits asked his about his sex life, and then he walked right off the cliff. I’ve never seen anything like it. I know that the Elves of Mirkwood do not discuss such things, but I’ve never seen anyone walk off a cliff to avoid getting involved in that kind of discussion

“Well, young ernilneth (princeling), care to explain?”

Legolas groaned. He reached for the covers to pull them over his head. Then he remembered where he was. He sat up and opened his eyes. Then his head exploded and the world began to spin. He laid back down.

“Hey, Gandalf, what does ernilneth mean?” One of the hobbits. He should have known it’d be one of the hobbits.

“I hate that nickname. Call me that and next time I’m taking you off the cliff with me.”

“Why did you walk off that cliff?”

“He’s a crazy elf. That’s all.”

“Stubborn, idiot dwarf.”

“Well, at least I don’t walk off cliffs when I’m flustered.”

Legolas decided that his head hurt too much to respond to that.

“Legolas! You’re awake!”

Merry jumped on him.

Legolas’s mouth became a thin white line. His hands clenched into the blankets. Recognizing the signs, Aragorn yanked Merry off him. Legolas began to curse. Both Aragorn and Gandalf blushed as they realized what he was saying. The torrent of elvish was far too fast for Frodo to completely decipher, but he did catch a few words. Halfings and various insults featured prominently among them.

Frodo jumped to his feet. He’d just caught a phrase.

“We are not unrefined, bumpkin, vulgar, and crude! Take that back!”

He tackled Legolas. Of course, the other hobbits joined in the fun.

“Tackle the elf!”

“Go, Mr. Frodo!”

“Show him how we do it down the Shire!”

“Get off of me, you damn idiot halflings, before I am forced to sharpen my knives on your bones!”

Now, normally this battle would have ended quickly. But Legolas was still very woozy and injured. Plus, the hobbits were cheating. Their tickling reduced Legolas to helpless giggles within seconds. The rest of the Fellowship watched and started to laugh. Let’s face it, elven laughter is as contagious as the plague. In fact, the only one who was not enjoying this was Legolas himself. His sides were hurting, his head was aching, and he was beginning to have trouble breathing.

“Meriadoc, Pippin, Samwise, and Frodo, get off that poor injured elf this second!”

Legolas was gasping for air. Gandalf helped him sit up. Even the hobbits could tell he was in trouble now. His skin was ashen. Gandalf pulled off his tunic to check his ribs. His chest was one huge bruise. But within a few minutes, he was breathing easily again. He was also scowling.

“Halfings cheat. You’re not supposed to tickle.”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“So are you planning to tickle the orcs to death?”

“Well…”

“Merry, Legolas is right. Besides, I’ll show you what you’re supposed to do to an elf.”

Aragorn started fondling the tip of Legolas’s ear. The elf’s reaction was immediate. He blushed, and his eyes unfocused. He lost the power of speech. His breeches became painfully tight. Aragorn realized belatedly what he was doing. He picked up the elf, bedroll and all, and wandered off to the nearby stream.

“Um, so you’re supposed to give elves hardons as a fighting technique. I think I prefer tickling, really. Less messy.”

“Let’s follow them and find out what Aragorn’s planning to do about this.”

The entire fellowship nodded their heads in agreement and wandered off to see what…, in the words of Gimli “the fucking crazy elf was going to do next.”

Aragorn looked down when he felt a sharp prick at his ribs. Legolas had somewhat recovered, although his breeches were still strained at the crotch. He was not happy, and he was currently expressing this fact via a knife pressed against Aragorn’s ribs. Aragorn paused to think for a minute. With the mood Legolas was currently in, his original plan of aiding Legolas to relieve some of his tension was going to get one of them killed. So, the next best thing to do would be to give Legolas a cold shower. Unfortunately, there weren’t any showers for miles. But there was the ice-cold stream he was standing besides. So, purely in the interests of aiding his comrade, he threw him into the icy cold water. Then he ran. Purely as a precaution, of course. Behind him he could hear the laughter of the fellowship as Legolas floundered in the icy water.

“Oh shit. He’s going to kill me for this one.” Aragorn muttered as he turned back to look at the very very very very furious elf. Then he ran into a tree. Rangers aren’t very graceful when they know that there is a royally pissed elf behind them.

Stay tuned for part 2, Legolas’s revenge. It may be much more ansty, just to warn you, but I promise actual slash.,