Legolas’s Revenge

Title: Legolas's Revenge

Pairings: Aragorn/Legolas, Humor

Rating: NC-17

Summary: sequel to The Trouble With Hobbits. And the title pretty much tells it all.

Disclamer: I think they're all very relieved that they don't belong to me. I am a broke college student. Please don't sue.

Warning: heterosexual lusting, bondage, masturbation, general insanity, and I guess non-consentual sexual situation

Author's Note: Um, yup, I've completely lost it. Yay me! Review me and I'll write faster. Pointy hat trick and Glorfindel's reaction both belong to the original pervy hobbit fancier, the creator of the Secret Diaries. (which is bookmarked on the links page, if you want to go read)

Archive: www.mtholyoke.edu/~adsmith(my page) library of Moria, anywhere else is fine, but email so I know where it is

<>is thoughts

Legolas slowly climbed out of the freezing water. He was soaked. His bedroll was soaked. Everything was soaked, and he was damned cold. And the mocking laughter of the rest of the fellowship did nothing to help the situation, or his mood. They were all going to pay, and pay in kind for this humiliation!

He then gasped as a very interesting image surfaced in his brain.

<NO! And I don’t think humans bend that way. And I am not interested in men, damn it! I like girls!! >

Then he saw Aragorn lying unconscious beneath a tree and an evil evil thought surfaced in his brain. And thankfully it had nothing to do with sex.

The rest of the Fellowship stopped laughing, stunned. Legolas was soaking wet, standing on the bank, and laughing. Well, giggling really. He’d never gotten the hang of the evil laugh. Still giggling, Legolas walked slowly over to the comatose ranger and picked him up. Then he smiled evilly (well as evilly as he could manage) and took off running into the forest, giggling maniacally all the way.

Gandalf looked at the other members of the Fellowship. Legolas had obviously snapped. And no doubt he, the oldest and wisest, would be called upon to deal with him. He thought back to Rivendell. Now, how had Elrond calmed Glorfindel after the pointy hat trick? Ah, yes, pipe weed. But now, how was he going to get the elf to consume massive quantities of pipe weed? Perhaps it was best to return to camp, leave Aragorn to his fate, and ponder the question. And of course, he couldn’t ponder without pipe weed.

“All right, show’s over. Everyone back to camp.”

“But shouldn’t someone go after Legolas?”

“Let him alone. Trust me on this. He’ll calm down in a bit.”

“But what about Aragorn?”

Of course, Boromir had asked that one. He was, after all, the one continuously staring at Aragorn’s butt. Gandalf sighed.

“Legolas will not seriously hurt him. And it is best that he gets this out of his system. Unless you are volunteering to be his victim, Boromir?”

Boromir blushed, looked down, and said nothing.

“I thought not. Now back to camp.”

Legolas ran madly through the woods. He finally stopped when he realized that he was not being followed and that Aragorn was beginning to awaken. He dropped Aragorn on the ground, drawing a moan from him. He then started rummaging through his pack. <Rope, rope, I need rope. Or something to bind him with. Ah, here we go!>

He pulled a slender coil out of his pack. <This will do nicely.>

Aragorn groaned again as he was roughly shoved up against a tree. Someone was taking off his clothing. While normally he would thoroughly enjoy an operation of this sort, his head hurt and he was feeling very sick to his stomach. He felt bile rise up in his throat and desperately tried to swallow. It didn’t work. Dinner made its return appearance all over Legolas.

“Eew! Yuck! Eewie, eewie, yuck! Turn your head, you arrogant, rude man!”

Despite the mess, Legolas continued stripping him, with occasional exclamations of yuck and eewie. When Aragorn was finally naked, Legolas let him drop to the ground. Aragorn groaned as he hit a tree root. He finally opened his eyes and looked up at the elf standing over him.

“Legolas, what do you think you are doing? Ow!”

Legolas kicked him in the side.

“Who said you could talk? Shut up, or I’ll cover your bits with honey, find an anthill and tie you down on top of it. Maybe that’ll teach you some manners.”

Legolas grabbed Aragorn, who struggled weakly, but he was no match for the pissed-off elf. Aragorn gasped in pain as his arms were bound tightly and yanked roughly above his head. Legolas threw the coil of rope attached to Aragorn over the top of a branch and pulled him to his feet and then to his tiptoes. Aragorn struggled to balance as waves of dizziness attacked him. He barely noticed Legolas tying off the end of the rope or coming to stand in front of him.

“Well, man, enjoying yourself yet? Have you learned your lesson? You know, I really don’t think so.”

Legolas leaned in closer to Aragorn’s face. The smell of his vomit all over Legolas’s finely embroidered tunic sickened Aragorn, but the look in the elf’s eyes froze him. Well, it froze most of him. Unfortunately, his digestive tract had its own ideas. He vomited once again, much more impressively this time, soaking Legolas in it from head to foot. Legolas jumped back and spit right into Aragorn’s face.

“You know, you’re going to pay dearly for that. Very very dearly. But first, I’m going to clean up. “

Legolas began to strip off his wet clothing, staring intently at the man all the time. When he got to his leggings, Aragorn gasped.

“Aah. You want to see what’s under these, don’t you Aragorn? You think I don’t notice your stares? I’m not blind, man, but clearly you are.”

Aragorn struggled to find his voice.

“I’m not so blind as you think. The bulge in your leggings is rather obvious.”

“Oh, this?” Legolas glanced down at himself. “The idea of revenge does tend to arouse me, you know. The thought of humbling you, of making you pay for my humiliation. I’m really going to enjoy this.”

Aragorn’s eyes filled with fear, despite his best attempts to hide it. Legolas noticed it and smiled.

He scowled inwardly. He was not at all happy with the effect a naked and helpless Aragorn was having on his body.

< I like girls, damn it, GIRLS!>

His body was obviously not listening. But there was a matter of honour to attend to. Later, he could deal with his need, or maybe… A idea hit Legolas. Another very evil idea. He started to laugh maniacally again, as he very slowly and lasciviously began to pull off his leggings, revealing everything to Aragorn’s stare.

Aragorn tried desperately to think of anything except the stunningly beautiful and obviously excited elf in front of him. Anything to make his need a little less obvious to the elf. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working. Legolas turned his back and walked slowly away from him to the edge of a little stream that ran nearby. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to untangle the vomit matted strands. Then, suddenly he knelt. Aragorn gasped. Legolas’s legs spread slightly, revealing everything between them to the man’s hungry eyes as he dunked his head under the icy cold water.

<Aah, much better>

Legolas straightened back up, tossing his head back. He stood still for a moment, feeling the man’s eyes trace the paths of the water droplets as they ran slowly between his nether cheeks. Then he heard the man moan. He turned around, curious to see what had caused him to make such a noise.

Aragorn could not take his eyes from the elf’s form. As dangerous as he knew it was, a moan escaped his throat as the water slowly traced its path between the elf’s beautiful buttocks. He wanted so much to trace the same path with his tongue. Legolas had turned and was staring at him, a curious look in his eyes. The elf stood and slowly walked over to him.

“You want this that much? Clearly, Aragorn, the Lady Arwen has not been properly attending to your needs if you are this desperate. I wonder what you are so eager to do to me. Do you want to touch me like this?”

Legolas slowly ran his hand down his torso, feeling the softness of his skin and the tautness of it as never before.

<Okay, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve had to satisfy my own needs in this way, but I certainly don’t remember it feeling like this. Does it feel like this because he is watching? And why can I think of nothing except him? Caith’s going to kill me if she finds out about this. After Haldir threw her over for Celeborn... well. Yup, I’m dead. Well, if I’m going to die for this, might as well enjoy it properly.>

Aragorn watched as the elf began to pleasure himself. Legolas’s eyes unfocused and his breathing came in short gasps. He could feel the burning heat sliding off the elf in waves and it seemed to all pool in his groin. All he could think of was those hands traveling over the elf, and he wanted more than anything else for those hands to be his. Unknown to him, Legolas was thinking of the exact same thing. Legolas shuddered as he came, all over Aragorn.

<Damn, that was hot! I feel much better now. But there is the matter of what to do with him.>

Legolas’s eyes refocused on Aragorn. The man was very, very aroused. And very covered in come. In fact, he looked very amusing. So amusing that Legolas decided that the rest of the Fellowship deserved to share such an amusing sight. Plus, his only clean clothing was back at camp. And the sun would be up soon. He picked up the least soiled article of Aragorn’s clothing, his breeches, and put them on. They were too big and hung very low off his hips, almost revealing what they were designed to hide. He heard Aragorn moan again at the sight.

“You humiliate me, and I will do the same to you, Aragorn. I’m off to go fetch everyone else. It would be so selfish of me to keep such an amusing sight to myself, don’t you agree?

Aragorn growled.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Legolas smiled his evil smile again. “Just watch me.”

He stretched up to check the security of Aragorn’s bindings. Aragorn seized his chance and swung himself into Legolas, knocking him sprawling to the ground.

“Now, Aragorn, that wasn’t very nice.”

Legolas got to his feet again, and looked down at himself. The breeches were covered in come, vomit, and mud. He shrugged, took them off again, and stuffed them into Aragorn’s mouth. Then he slowly sauntered away, making sure that Aragorn got an eyeful. He could hear the muffled cursing behind him and it made him laugh. He laughed all the way to the campsite.

The rest of the Fellowship stared as the stark naked elf wandered into the campsite, walked over to his pack, pulled out some clothing, and began to get dressed. Several of them drooled a bit.

“Um, Legolas.”

It was Boromir who finally summoned up the courage to speak.

“Yes?”

“Um, where are the clothes you were wearing? And where’s Aragorn?”

“Right where I left them.”

“And where is that?”

“I told you. Where I left them.”

Boromir had had enough. He grabbed Legolas roughly by the arm, swinging him around to face him. Then Legolas did something no one was expecting, least of all Boromir. He kissed Boromir, rubbing his body against his and grasping his head tightly to prevent him from getting away. When he finally broke the kiss, he broke out laughing at the stunned expression on Boromir’s face.

“You look just like Aragorn.” Legolas gasped in between giggles.

Gandalf frowned. The elf had definitely cracked. It might take more than pipe weed to solve this problem.

“Legolas?”

Yes, Merry?”

“Will you take us to Aragorn, please?”

“All right little one.” He ruffled Merry’s hair, then took his outstretched hand and led him through the forest. Everyone else followed, very curious about what Legolas had done to Aragorn.

Aragorn was royally pissed. And very aroused. And just thinking of what Legolas had done to him made him even madder. And harder. His arousal was now very painful. He tried to calm himself down as he heard people approaching. A familiar blonde head broke through the foliage, and Aragorn groaned. Not more, not again. Then Merry followed him into the little clearing, and stopped dead in his tracks. Boromir, whose mind was too full of (ahem) worry to watch where he was going, crashed straight into him. This of course, resulted in a four hobbit, one human, one Istari, and one dwarf pileup. And in one elf laughing hysterically at the expressions on their faces.

Legolas slowly walked back over to Aragorn, who promptly tried to swing into him. Instead, he managed to swing straight into the tree. This made Legolas laugh even harder. He plopped down on the ground and just laughed and laughed and laughed. His revenge was complete. Aragorn had now been thoroughly humiliated. He kept laughing as Boromir managed to extract himself from the pile and cut Aragorn down. He laughed so hard he started crying when Aragorn fell full length onto the ground, injuring the upright portion of his anatomy. As Boromir helped Aragorn clean himself up and get dressed, he kept laughing. Aragorn’s scowling made him laugh so hard he began to have trouble breathing. He turned away in an effort to compose himself, and was promptly tackled by a very bloody pissed Aragorn. He managed to struggle free and dodged behind Gandalf, still laughing.

Gandalf sighed and shook his head. Legolas was insane. No question about it. Now, what to do? And when to do it?

Tune in next time for “How to treat an insane elf “, or “Pipe weed does WHAT! to an elf’s libido!”