Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Sluggy Freelance

FIRST BOOK

1.You can sell your soul in a nanosecond.

2.The ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with rocket launchers.

3. Be careful chewing through power cords.

4. Never summon evil into your computer. The old-fashioned way works much better.

5. It’s only okay if Bill Gates does it.

6. Always check your notes.

7. The bikini-suicide-Frisbee match must be handled with sophistication.

8. Pretty girls turn men into cavemen.

9. When they kick you out of the Collective, you don’t get to keep the toys.

10. First season Voyager scripts are toxic waste.

11. Scantly-clad sci-fi chicks are cool.

12. Just make up big words and sound important.

13. All aliens know to go after the extras first.

14. Thank God for dandruff shampoo.

15. Don’t open the airlock without first getting a firm handhold.

16. Keep that rabbit away from me.

17. Lawyers repel evil spirits. Or maybe they are so evil that they scare the evil spirits away. I forget which.

18. Don’t ever do cosmetics testing on Bun-Bun

19. Judge not lest me judge you a new butt-hole, buddy.

20. Summon demons to keep yourself from buying a shotgun and permanently emptying a Taco Bell.

21. There are two groups in the military, the heroic military and the conspiratorial military. Make sure you know which one you’re dealing with.

22. The bunny must be stopped.

23. Stay good!

24. I never thought I’d be so thrilled to be devoured by a hideous alien.

25. Without a photo id, you can’t do jack shit

26. Never eat the clients.

27.Always leave a loophole.

28. Paint fumes go straight to the brain.

29. Humans need sleep, and air. But defiantly sleep.

30. Humans are so much cooler without sleep.

31. I am better qualified to criticize your life than you are.

32. Speculating wildly is fun.

33. You can boost ratings by going to war against Dilbert.

34. Thesauruses only have ten versions of the word loser.

35. You are all wrong and I am right.

36. Safety, respect, and humor in good taste: that’s Sluggy.

37. Slow and painfully, they are going to die.

38. Think before you act on inspiration.

39. Safe driving is everyone’s responsibility.

40. Worship the comic

41. Aliens love to eat bagels.

42. Believe the niftyness.

43. Muldy is a brain-transplant victim.

44. To serve and dissect!

45. The Government denies enjoying this comic.

46. I’m sure we aren’t being chased by invisible military agents in league with alien abductors…I think.

47. We need to investigate it, not run away from it.

48. Sam is the other annoying guy.

49. It was in self-defence of my sanity.

50. You can’t go around killing telemarketer executives, no matter how much you want to.

51. I need attention from someone I don’t care about to keep caring about those who don’t care about me.

52. Life is short. You gotta live fast and have fun.

53. Life’s too short to waste worrying about the inevitable.

54. Bugs in your inventions are just features.

55. Ferrets are more easily distracted than a toddler on a double expresso.

56. Never leave a ferret to do a bunny’s job.

57. Someone keeps stealing your underwear, so build a robot with every type of high-tech weaponry you can think of to do your laundry.

58. Proper vision is so important.

59. Deriving your morals from tabloid TV is scary.

60. A pet bunny gives you extreme tolerance for pain.

61. Demons have big mouths, the better to stick their feet in.

62. The Lord of the Dimension of Pain collects Beanie Babies.

63. Burping the bag is very important for freshness.

64. Never wrap Goodness in tinfoil, because then you can’t microwave it.

65. You can be too stupid to be afraid.

66. The most frightening thing in the world- baby bunnies.

67. The word is pronounced “imbecile”

This list will be continued when I get the time. Currently, it goes through May 10, 1998 in the archives. Please do not email me with more additions unless they comes from those strips that I have already covered. Thanks. This means I won’t get quite as confused.