The cast:
Football Commentator
Michael Palin
The sketch:
Aerial view of München Olympic stadium.
Football Commentator
Good afternoon,
and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, München...
CAPTION:
INTERNATIONALE
PHILOSOPHIE [International Philosophy]
Rückspiel
[Return match]
Football Commentator
...for the second
leg of this exciting final. [German philosophers jog out of the dressing
room.] And here come the Germans now, led by their
skipper, "Nobby"
Hegel. They must surely start favourites this afternoon; they've certainly
attracted the most attention from the press with their team
problems. And
let's now see their line-up.
CAPTION:
DEUTSCHLAND [Germany]
1 LEIBNITZ
2 I. KANT
3 HEGEL
4 SCHOPENHAUER
5 SCHELLING
6 BECKENBAUER
7 JASPERS
8 SCHLEGEL
9 WITTGENSTEIN
10 NIETZSCHE
11 HEIDEGGER
High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.
Football Commentator
The Germans
playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and
Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and
Heidegger, and
the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. Beckenbauer obviously a bit
of a surprise there.
Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.
Football Commentator
And here come
the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half, Heraclitus.
CAPTION:
GRIECHENLAND
[Greece]
1 PLATO
2 EPIKTET
3 ARISTOTELES
4 SOPHOKLES
5 EMPEDOKLES
VON ACRAGA
6 PLOTIN
7 EPIKUR
8 HERAKLIT
9 DEMOKRIT
10 SOKRATES
11 ARCHIMEDES
High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about etc.
Football Commentator
Let's look at
their team. As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up. Plato's
in goal, Socrates a front- runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper,
Aristotle very
much the man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.
An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the centre line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.
Football Commentator
Well here comes
the referee, K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius), and his two linesmen, St Augustine
and St Thomas Aquinas. [Referee spots the ball and the
captains shake
hands.] And as the two skippers come together to shake hands, we're ready
for the start of this very exciting final. The referee Mr
Confucius checks
his sand and... [referee blows his whistle] they're off! [The Germans immediately
turn away from the ball, hands on chins in
deep contemplation.]
Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number seven on the outside, Wittgenstein
there with him. There's Beckenbauer.
Schelling's
in there, Heidegger covering. Schopenhauer. [Pan to the other end, the
Greeks also thinking deeply, occasionally gesticulating.] And
now it's the
Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus
and Democratus with him. There's Archimedes. Socrates, there
he is, Socrates.
Socrates there, going through. [The camera follows Socrates past the ball,
still on the centre spot.] There's the ball! There's the
ball. And Nietzsche
there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.
CAPTION:
DEUTSCHLAND -
GRIECHENLAND
0 : 0
Football Commentator
Kant moving
up on the outside. Schlegel's on the left, the Germans moving very well
in these opening moments.
International Philosophy - Update
The cast:
Anchorman
John Cleese
Football Commentator
Michael Palin
Archimedes
John Cleese
The sketch:
Anchorman
Well right now we're going back to the Olympic
stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final, and I understand
that there's still no score.
On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee.
Football Commentator
Well there may be no score, but there's certainly
no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked
for arguing with the referee. He
accused Confucius of having no free will,
and Confucius he say, "Name go in book". And this is Nietzsche's third
booking in four games. [We see a bearded
figure in a track-suit is warming up on the
touch-line.] And who's that? It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up. It
looks as though there's going to be a
substitution in the German side. [Marx removes
the track-suit, under which he is wearing a suit.] Obviously the manager
Martin Luther has decided on
all-out attack, as indeed he must with only
two minutes of the match to go. And the big question is, who is he going
to replace, who's going to come off. It
could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer, but
it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, who saw his aunty only last week, and
here's Marx. [Marx begins some
energetic knees-up running about.] Let's see
it he can put some life into this German attack. [The referee blows his
whistle; Marx stops and begins
contemplating like the rest.] Evidently not.
What a shame. Well now, with just over a minute left, a replay on Tuesday
looks absolutely vital. There's
Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea.
Archimedes
Eureka! [He runs towards the ball and kicks
it.]
Football Commentator
Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back
to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel [who, like
all the Germans, is still thinking] .
Heraclitus a little flick, here he comes on
the far post, Socrates is there, Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored!
The Greeks are going mad, the Greeks are
going mad. Socrates scores, got a beautiful
cross from Archimedes. The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing that
the reality is merely an a priori adjunct
of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical
imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination,
and Marx is claiming it was offside.
But Confucius has answered them with the final
whistle! It's all over! Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield
trio of Bentham, Locke and
Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten
by the odd goal, and let's see it again. [Replay viewed from behind the
goal.] There it is, Socrates, Socrates
heads in and Leibnitz doesn't have a chance.
And just look at those delighted Greeks. [The Greeks jog delightedly, holding
a cup aloft.] There they are,
"Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus,
what a game he had. And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who
scored what was probably the
most important goal of his career.